Does the beer taste different today?
Oh, yeah, they... they cleaned the taps.
I'm not gonna tell you what was in there,
but we had to call a guy from the zoo.
- Mmh. - So I have to get something
special for Gretchen.
I promised her last year when I was still rich that I
would take her to Bora Bora if she did well on her SATs.
Just my luck, she aced them.
- Ouh. I'm so sorry. - I know.
- Maybe you can get her to take it again. - I wish.
So, all we can afford now is a stay-cation.
My mom's out of town this weekend, so I'm gonna set the backyard up
like Bora Bora and give her a fake version of the vacations I promised.
Oh, you're such a good desperated mom.
My mom used to pay us off with a card and menthols.
- Oh, Connie. - Yeah.
The only hurdle is I still not technically have the weekend off.
Stephanie's never gonna give you the time off.
Yeah, I know.
- That's why I'm gonna ask Wayne. - Good call.
Hey, Stephanie! Um, on my way in I saw a homeless guy
cleaning your window and he was using his stomach as a shimmy.
- I'll get the hose. - Yeah.
Hey, Wayne! Um, I need to talk to you about the schedule.
And then, I got tiki torches on eBay,
and these cute little coconut drink glasses from the 97 Cents store,
and six bags of sand for our beach from Home Depot.
I mean, we're just gonna hang by the pool, braid each other's hair.
Pig out on the buffet.
I mean, is it me or is it sound like the best vacations ever?
It's you. Mom, you really don't have to do this.
But I want to.
It's gonna be awesome.
It's gonna make our trip
to the Four Seasons in Bali look like...
Well, we don't need to make comparisons, but...
Mom, like, no offense,
but what I remember of the Four Seasons
was, like, me playing backgammon with the concierge
while you were like,
"one last conference call, Gretchen, I swear," so...
Yeah, okay, look, I know I did that,
and I am so sorry,
but one of the perks of being a barmaid is
I don't get a lot of international conference calls.
It's just, you know, mostly collect calls from prisons.
Look, I promise you this vacation will be different.
It's just gonna be you and me
with no distractions and no interruptions.
What if we have nothing to say?
Then we'll have nothing to say together, okay?
Awesome.
Oh, Jennifer, thank goodness you're here.
I hate carrying boxes. It's not a job for a lady.
Would you take over?
Um, I'm sorry, Stephanie,
but I'm off this weekend.
I just came by to pick up my check.
Oh?
That's so funny that this is the first I'm hearing of it,
'cause I make the schedules.
Wayne gave me the time off
because, I mean, you weren't around, so...
Oh, Wayne gave you the time off.
Wayne?
Yeah?
Did you give Jennifer the weekend off
even though the weekends are our busiest time,
and we never give people the weekend off
unless we know way in advance and it's a family emergency?
Yeah.
That's not fair to our other employees.
Do you see how depressed Meghan looks?
Meghan is depressed because her husband left her
and her daughter stole money to get that face tattoo.
Do you think that she needs this on top of that?
You know what, this is really just
between you two and Meghan,
so I'm gonna take off.
I'll see you guys on Monday.
I got your pool floats.
- Mahalo very much. - Oh, thank you.
Would you mind blowing them up?
I want everything to be ready when Gretchen gets home.
- So backyard Bora Bora, huh? - Oh, yeah.
So I've got this whole luau planned
with real poi and sweet potatoes.
Got my pig in my crock pot.
Thank you, Rachel Ray.
Oh, and I have a ukulele player coming in from Lompoc
that was really cheap.
That sounds fun.
I mean, like, really, really fun.
- I know. - I myself
have never been to Bora Bora.
Oh, you should go! It's awesome.
But pretty pricey. I can't even afford Bora.
Your deal is probably the closest I would ever get,
- were I invited. - Uh...
Less talky, more blowy.
Oh, my God, I want to come too.
Oh.
Well, I mean, this is kind of just a mother-daughter thing.
What about a mother-daughter-almost aunt
kind of thing?
Tell you what.
You and me, this summer,
drunken ho road trip to Laughlin.
Okay, the drunken part just intrigued me,
but you sealed it with the ho.
All right.
Hey, Dina.
That's hilarious.
You're early. I wanted everything to be ready.
Mom, it's not like it's Christmas morning,
which you were totally never ready for either.
Oh, Dina, are you coming with us to Bora Bora?
Oh, yeah, I got a pretty full weekend.
I got two seasons of Downton Abbey
to fast-forward through.
I really only like the dog.
Can't Dina join us, Mom?
She's so fun.
What? I'm not fun?
Well, the world needs unfun people too.
Bricks need grout.
Shut up.
Okay, fine, Dina can come.
- It's your vacation. - Awesome!
Where's my Bora Bora, bitches?
Get this party started.
Yeah, Jennifer in the hizz-ouse!
What? I am fun too!
Yeah, totally.
[Cell phone ringing]
GNX Capital?
I'll be right there.
Hello?
Hi.
Absolutely I can do a Skype interview.
Ooh.
Of all my crap ass luck.
I mean, I have been sending out like a thousand resumes a week,
and the first nibble I get
is when I'm halfway to fake Bora Bora?
I can't let Gretchen know about this.
It'll kill her.
Um, how about Monday?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll make it work.
2:00?
Perfect.
[Laughter]
So I have to admit, this is pretty awesome, Mom.
Oh, turn it up.
This is my jam.
Bora Bora!
[Bell dings]
Oh!
It's 2:00.
What happens at 2:00?
Um...
2:00 surprise.
Ooh!
Oh, crap.
There you are.
Wayne, what are you doing in here?
I have a Skype interview.
I am mad at you.
How could you take advantage
of my sweet, childlike nature
so you could take the weekend off?
I think you just answered your own question.
That was not cool.
Okay, Wayne, it's your bar too.
Oh, we both know that's not true.
I don't know why you don't just stand up to her.
She scares me.
You stand up to her.
[Computer chiming]
Ugh.
Wayne, suck up, dude.
Stop letting women boss you around all the time.
You're right. I'm sorry.
- Now, get out. - Okay.
- And shut the door. - All right.
[Computer continues chiming]
Hi.
Tobey Quince.
Hi, Tobey. I'm Jennifer.
It's very nice to meet you.
What are you doing?
Standing up to you.
Which I guess would've been clearer
if I wasn't sitting.
Hey!
Oh, hey, where you been?
You've been gone for, like, an hour.
What? This is Bora Bora.
In Bora Bora, there are no clocks.
Look what I brought you,
Island Pop-Tarts.
Huh?
Both: Pop-Tarts!
Yay!
It was all working out.
I mean, I think I scored on my interview,
and I'm still giving my daughter the weekend she deserves.
Everything was perfect.
Oh, God!
Until a dark cloud blew in...
A big, blubbering dark cloud.
She broke my heart.
Stephanie.
I'm talking about Stephanie.
I sacked up like you said,
and they blew up in my face.
I've never seen Stephanie so mad.
We had a huge fight.
Are those Pop-Tarts?
Hey, focus.
Right over here, buddy.
Okay, look, I hear you.
I do.
The thing is, we're kind of doing this
mother-daughter-almost aunt thing this weekend,
and it's really important to me,
so you kind of have to be anywhere but here.
Oh, man.
I wish I could help.
What about your friend Derek's?
He's always home.
Not anymore.
He cut off his ankle bracelet.
Okay, well, you...
You have to go.
- No. - No?
This is Mom's house, not yours.
I have as much right to be here as you do.
I am the first-born son.
The Bible says I'm important.
You know I can still kick your ass, right?
Oh, that's real mature, Jennifer.
I'm calling Mom.
Damn it.
Voicemail.
- Mom, my heart is breaking... - Mom, Wayne is totally...
- In two, and Jennifer... - Ruining my special time
- with Gretchen. - Doesn't care... tell her...
- Tell him he has to go home! - She can't make me go home!
Maybe we should do Bora Bora another time.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I just need to talk to Stephanie, okay?
We're still gonna have a good time.
I promise, I can fix this.
But it seems like Wayne...
You need this, Gretchen, okay?
Okay.
Dina, walk with me.
Hey, would you mind entertaining Gretchen for me?
Sure. Bring me back a treat?
- A what? - I'm sorry.
I know there's a lot going on, but when people go away,
I like it when they bring me back a treat.
Yeah, I'm not gonna bring you back a treat.
Totally your call.
Okay.
Hey, I'm all alone here.
I'm doing the best I can.
Here.
Here... here.
But I ordered a Seven And Seven.
No cocktails. Everybody gets a beer.
You walk in here, you get a beer.
Have a beer.
Hey, what's going on?
Where's Meghan?
She's in the back, crying. Her car got stolen,
and her dog's ashes were in the backseat.
I'm starting to think it's her.
Okay.
- Can I talk to you really quick? - Yeah.
I'm here to help you patch things up with Wayne.
I hate to see you guys fight.
You know, I had never seen him so strong and forceful,
and I have to say that I did not care for it.
He was a completely different person.
I don't know where it came from.
Oh, who are we to question
where anything comes from, right?
Our job is to fix the problems.
- But I'm still so hurt. - I know.
You're hurt, I'm hurt, everybody's hurt.
The world is a painful place. What do you need from Wayne?
Would an apology do it? Well, that would help.
Great! Apology coming right up.
[Cell phone chiming]
Hello?
I have to say, Jennifer,
you give good meeting.
I sold Brian Driscoll on you,
and he really wants a little face time.
You free in half an hour?
I will make myself free.
Perfect.
Great.
God.
[Clears throat]
Oh, hey.
Hey.
So I guess the question is,
are you my cool almost aunt
or, like, my narc-y almost aunt?
- Gretchen. - You know, I am pretty sure
the legal drinking age in Bora Bora is 12.
Your mom asked me to look after you.
We have yet to discuss her policies on drinking.
I mean, oh, my God,
when your mother and I were your age,
the two of us used to...
Ay tag in the park
and catch fireflies with our bare hands.
Oh, it was a magical time.
You're not gonna tell her, are you?
I'm your almost niece.
Oh, come on,
you can't throw that in my face.
Sad cannonball.
She just drives me crazy.
Ever since we moved here, she's hovering, you know?
She's checking in with me all the time
like she's afraid I'm gonna break.
[Cell phone chimes]
Case in point.
"You okay?
"Be there in 15.
"We're still going to have fun.
"I promise. Mom."
You're texting me from your phone.
You don't have to identify yourself.
Okay, listen, I won't offer the information,
but if she, like, waterboards me
or threatens to do that thing
where she flips her eyelids inside out,
you're on your own,
'cause that's creepy, and I can't handle it.
[Cell phone chimes] Oh, my God, again, Mom?
- Oh. - What?
Oh, it's my friends.
- They're all at Lily's. - Oh.
- They're so crazy. - We're so crazy.
We're Bora Bora. We're double crazy, man.
Yeah, super crazy.
All right, good talk.
Sad Gears Of War.
[Game noises in background]
[Loud gunfire]
[Loud groan]
How'd it go with Stephanie?
Oh, I'm taking care of that right now.
What are you guys just sitting there for?
Come on, let's get this party restarted.
[Cell phone beeps]
In 20 minutes.
20 minutes, that's it.
She's doing it again
just like she said she would not.
I like rum.
I bet I would be a pretty good pirate.
I'm bored.
[Computer chiming]
Hi, Mr. Driscoll.
It is such a pleasure to finally meet you.
I've heard great things, Jennifer.
Hey, that hibiscus, that's a nice touch.
Oh, this?
Well, yeah, it's just a little nod
to my favorite emerging markets,
the Caribbean and Latin American.
Hey, that's one of Pete Dodd's big mandates
for the next quarter.
I should put you together with Pete.
Pete Dodd, your CEO?
Great guy. You up for that?
Yeah, sure. I'll carve out the time.
Great!
[Whispers] Yes.
I can still see you.
Dina.
I left the package at the door.
- What? - Oh.
Jennifer, hey.
Hey.
Where's Gretchen?
I believe she went to bed.
It's 4:30 in the afternoon.
Is everything okay? Why, what have you heard?
- Nothing. - Then everything's fine.
Gretch?
Gretchen, honey.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I know things haven't gone the way I promised.
I've just been juggling some things, um...
But you are my priority,
and I'm back, and I'm ready to limbo.
What do you say?
Gretchen?
Wayne, can you please turn it down?
But the violence helps distract me from my pain.
[Crashing sounds, thudding grows softer]
- Hey, Dina, where's Gretchen? - Huh?
Gretchen, the teenager I left you in charge of.
Where is she?
Oh, yeah, her.
The thing is, we did that thing with our pinkies
that makes it impossible for me to tell you.
Why is that, do you think?
Oh, my God, I don't have time
for whimsy, Dina, right now.
I'm just gonna call her.
Where is he?
Poo bear?
Moopie face.
Let's never fight again.
Never.
Gretchen, where are you?
I'm with my friends.
It was so mature of you
to admit that this was all your fault.
I know.
Wait. What?
What do you mean, all my fault?
You know what, her fault, your fault.
These are just words.
The important thing is,
you both want to go home and work it out there.
But I never said it was all my fault.
Yes, you did, in your text.
What text?
Gretchen, hold on one second.
You sent a text, didn't you?
Now, that is a wild accusation.
- Okay, I'm hanging up, Mom. - What... what?
No, Gretchen, can't even understand you.
What...
Have you been drinking?
Dina!
Okay, Gretchen, you stay right there.
I am coming to get you.
You let my daughter drink?
Don't yell at me. We bonded.
Over piña coladas.
No, she had a rum and coke.
Unbelievable.
Oh, my God, the ukulele player.
I totally forgot.
Why don't you come in and tune up,
and I will be right back.
Great.
Stephanie, you blocked me in.
[Cell phone chimes]
- What? - I'll be home by midnight.
- No, I'm coming to get you. - I'm with my friends.
Well, then your friends are just gonna see your Mom
all freaked out.
[Computer chiming]
Son of a bitch.
Ugh! My interview.
[Sighs]
Hi.
Jennifer Doyle, Pete Dodd.
Is this a bad time?
It looks like I've caught you at a luau.
Oh, no, it's just a little mini vacation
that I'm taking with my family.
Well, good for you.
Family is the most important thing.
I always tell my team that
when we're stuck here on weekends.
[Laughs]
We're doing some pretty exciting things here at GNX.
I know.
I was really impressed by your guys.
I was telling Brian that, um...
That, uh...
You know what, I'm sorry, Pete.
I have something that I have to go do.
Is there any way we could reschedule this for Monday?
I moved a lot of things around to do this today.
We're a moving train over here, Jennifer.
I know. Um...
I'm sorry.
You said she was a shark, Brian.
[Sighs]
Crap.
Okay, Stephanie, you have to move your car.
Oh, hey, Jen.
Well, just so you know, we worked it out,
and it wasn't my fault and it wasn't Stephanie's fault.
It was your fault.
You took advantage of Wayne, and...
Take his head off!
Okay, you know what?
I probably deserve that,
but can we talk about this later?
Because I really have to go pick up Gretchen.
I'm sorry, but I'm still mad at you.
Oh, for...
Wait, you're really that mad at me?
- Yes. - Couldn't be madder?
Okay, then.
My keys.
- I'll be right back. - Jennifer!
Oh, God, oh, no, my Crimson Omen.
I'm gonna die!
Not on my watch, babe.
Gretchen?
Mom, before you yell at me...
I'm not gonna yell at you.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Well, you... You drank alcohol.
Dina let me.
Yeah, and she will be punished.
Look, I'm really sorry
that I let the day get away from me like that.
I tried to juggle work and family like the old days,
and you got screwed once again.
I really didn't.
I saw how hard you tried today, Mom.
Like, I really appreciate it,
and it was fun.
It's just that my friends are more fun.
I know that you feel guilty for screwing up my life,
but you really didn't.
That wasn't your fault. It just happened, okay?
Honestly, the only thing screwing up my life right now
is you trying to make up for screwing up my life.
[Laughs]
My God, you are such a brainiac.
[Laughter]
Come here.
Thank you.
[Emotionally] Thank you so much.
Okay, let's... let's go eat some crock-pig.
No, I'm not saying alcohol is good.
I'm saying there's a reason people drink it.
I kept that coconut bra until it started to smell.
So you'll close Saturday,
and then you'll work another double shift on Sunday.
Got it.
Next weekend's shaping up real good
for palm Springs, babe.
Awesome.
This is actually pretty relaxing.
I even managed to fit in a little vacation fling.
What? I was gone for 20 minutes.
I'm on vacation.
Where are we gonna pretend to go for Christmas?
Ooh, can we not go to Switzerland?
We'll see how you do on your PSATs, honey.
I don't want to spoil you.
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